THE TWENTY-FOURTH ENTRY

ENTRY TWENTY-FOUR: THE TWENTY-FOURTH ENTRY

Hey, we're back! But so soon?

A decision has been made, dear readers. From now on this blog will receive two entries every month; that's a whopping 200% increase! Technically it's already started, what with the two entries in April, but now this shall be a regular thing. Here we go then, the second installment for May 2013. No particular topic this time, because a bunch of different things have been happening for the staff of Biro Productions.
 

We have a new team member... sort of. Some people might consider him a pest. You see, the bossman recently attended a conference on Mars (something to do with harvesting Martian water) and upon his return, he discovered something had taken over his office. This creature had hacked into his computer, chewed all his pencils, taken the bookmarks out of his bedside novels, and turned off the system that would usually guide his spaceship in to land.

Its intents turned out to be less than malevolent. All it did with the computer was upload cute photos of cats, it chewed the pencils into ornate shapes and sharpened them, even wrote down which pages Dek had been up to in each of his books. Unfortunately it didn't understand the idea of having a spacecraft land safely. Bossman had to make an awkward crash landing in a rubbish dump 10 km from his office.


The culprit was a little ferret. Not one of the tartan-scaled ferrets from Mars, they are very big, in contrast. This ferret was of Earthling origins, yet it was somehow more than most ferrets. First of all, it talked. Only in French though. By chance (or par hasard) Dek is more-or-less fluent in French. So he started talking to the ferret, who gave his name as François Lefuret and asked to stay in the office. There he now resides, having been given the title of Biro Productions Assistant Assistant Sub-Editor. We gave François a cosy home, he's giving us cuteness and an excuse to buy mustelid shampoo.
 



http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/ferrets/images/13818800/title/cute-sleeping-ferret-hammock-photo

More on him later in the year. Our novel project is coming along steadily, with eight chapters now written for the first draft. It has been slow so far, because of exam pressures and so on, but a good story is emerging. As a refresher, this is the comedo-sci-fi novel in which a journalist joins a team of brainy people on a boat and sails across the Atlantic. Their goal is to get to the bottom of turbulence; what it is, how it works, how we can use it. However the science content is minimal, and it's more a story of adventure and why having a nemesis in the year 2018 is a bad idea.

Many facets to this crystal, by which I mean novel. To get all the details right a lot of research has been done. Dek has been issuing library books on such seemingly unrelated topics as sailing, calculus, politics of Cyprus, clock making, weather, hydrology and carpentry. Wait, the carpentry books are for something else. He wants to know how to re-build the wall he accidentally blew up last week.
 

He's also been working on his French writing, because there's a tiny bit of that in the novel as well. Most of the writers at Biro Productions have at least a reasonable grasp of this widely-spoken language. As a group we'd most likely survive a month à Paris. In the meantime, it's possible that we may produce new short stories in the next while, entirely written in French. This should help to expand our audience (not that it's not expansive enough already, we appreciate the number of English-speakers who read our work) and it should provide a worthwhile challenge.
 

I could keep on going, but instead I shall leave you with this article which I hope you find amusing. It's entitled How not to drive (and survive) on Mars.

Biro Productions presents

HOW NOT TO DRIVE (AND SURVIVE) ON MARS

So your planet's doomed. Meteorite impact is imminent and, as if that isn't bad enough, mermaids from Atlantis have begun their invasion of the land. What you need to do is find a new planet to live on! Mars is probably the best candidate because it has ice at its poles, an atmosphere and underground caves to shelter in. You're keen to climb into your space capsule and set off, but there's a problem. A very big problem.

How will you drive on Mars?
 

Here's my guide to Martian motoring. I'll assume you have the appropriate breathing equipment available, as well as the navigational ability required to get to Mars. Once you're there, the objective will be to drive to one of the polar ice caps and find water. It could be the toughest journey of your life, so listen up!
 

All Earthling vehicles currently on Mars are robotic; driven by computers rather than people. They're called rovers because they like to ro. Curiosity is the biggest of them, being a nice car size. It seems a logical step to take Curiosity's drive system and install it in a car's bodywork.
 

Be warned though, for there is a disadvantage to doing this. If you try to build something that emulates the six wheels of Curiosity, your speed will be affected. Speed is given by the distance you travel in a certain time. It's often cited as a number one killer, somehow beating even death. The Curiosity rover, despite being as big as a car, can only move at a top speed of 4 cm/s. This was a deliberate measure by the chaps in white coats to stop it crashing into large boulders between radio transmissions. 4 cm/s is pretty slow, so slow you're likely to be overtaken by geology. Or the asteroid impact.
 

You can get to the Martian ice like this, but it will take a long time. Probably the rest of your life (if, that is, you've found a way to breathe). What you could do is just take a normal Earthling car in your capsule and drive that around on the Red Planet. Because the atmosphere there is thinner, and the gravity weaker, a car with reasonable downforce provided by a spoiler should go faster. You'd be at the ice cap in no time and ready to start a colony. Except most Earthling cars would break down long before. Martian dust would clog up the radiator, choking your engine, after you smash into one of the aforementioned boulders. It's a tough mission, to be sure.
 

Let's say you've taken some tools with you, vandalized the remains of your space capsule and a rover or two, and used those to build a vehicle that is fast but can climb over obstacles and has an un-choke-able engine. I've been trying to imagine such a machine but am failing. When you're on Mars I hope you have the intuition required to do this, so you don't flee from Earth in vain. Anyway, vehicle sorted. Just need to refuel it with bio-diesel or Kryptonite or whatever, then the drive can begin. Just a few things to look out for though...
 

First of all, Mars is a planet without McDonald's. There is nowhere to stop for food or water, since the only water we know of is frozen in your destination: the ice cap. Getting there before you starve is crucial, so there's a time limit as well.

At all times bear in mind that this is a chilly world. On its surface, Mars' average temperature is -63 degrees Celsius. Recall that the average temperature on Earth is closer to 20 degrees, a difference of 83. Leaving the vehicle, especially at night, is not recommended by anybody. Ensure you wear a woolly scarf and beanie at all times.

When you're on the move, look out for large rocks or holes in the ground. We have evidence of cave systems deep within Mars, some of which are linked to the surface via tunnels. These tunnels are not pleasant to fall into. Such obstacles are easy to spot and drive around, unless you go too fast or text while driving. Yes, I know there are no laws on Mars, but you still shouldn't text at the wheel. Bad reception anyway.
 

More dangerous are sand traps, one of which has engulfed a rover before. Sand traps are like quicksand, only worse. Since everything on Mars is covered in dust, they tend to be hard to see. Depending on its size, a sand trap could swallow one of your wheels or even the whole vehicle, so be careful. If you do get stuck in one, all you can do is accelerate as hard as possible and hope for the best. Bailing out is not an option because you'll freeze after doing it.
 

To make things even worse, there are periodic storms that shroud the entire planet. These global dust storms fill the atmosphere of Mars with reddish stuff and ruin your visibility. Don't attempt to drive at all during a dust storm, as you won't be able to see a thing. Your chances of falling into a cave, sand-trap or crashing become higher than the Atlantean king's ego.

When there's no dust filling your vision and/or lungs, solar radiation must be taken into account. The atmosphere is thin enough to let harmful UVA, UVB, CGH and even KWMX light through. All of these (well, the first two) can give you leprosy. An inhaler would be a good thing to take in your capsule to Mars for this reason. Try and stay in the non-existant shade to avoid these harmful rays.

If you do reach one of the ice caps of Mars, your journey is nearly finished.

However there's one more thing to worry about: aliens. The presence of aliens at the Martian poles has been known about for many yonks now. Evidence of them has been recorded in documentaries such as John Carter and Star Trek. While the majority of Martian life consists of amoeba thingies that chill out underground, there are a few malevolent species to watch out for, in particular the tartan-scaled ferret.
 

Tartan-scaled ferrets have a fearsome reputation for being fearsome. They look like a cross between a Scottish polecat and an armadillo, despite not being related to either. Astrophysics types consider them the top predator on Mars so, by movie logic, they love the taste of Earthlings. If you should encounter one of these three-metre-long beasts, you have only one defense: your vehicle.

No Martian animal has ever heard the sound of an Earthling engine revving, therefore if your engine is loud enough it should scare them off. If it doesn't you have only one option. Floor it. Accelerate straight toward the tartan-scaled ferret and brace yourself for collision. Being hit like a hedgehog is their weakness. Whatever you do, don't drive away from it, because its thick leg muscles mean it will outpace your vehicle. Even if you can drive fast enough to escape the ferret, Murphy's law dictates that you'll then crash into an aforementioned boulder.
 

Drive far enough to the north and it becomes far too cold for animals. This is because you're now on top of the ice cap, ready to find some water. What you must do now is drill into the ice, bring up a reasonable sample and melt it inside the vehicle. “Wait... drill?” you ask. Yes indeed, all Mars-bound capsules have a drill equipped as standard. No problems there.
 

But now there's a new obstacle. Ice is a slippery thing and at these temperatures it's cold enough to burn your skin. Any movement made by your vehicle will cause it to slip. The ice sheet is too thick to fall through, but that'll be the least of your worries as you skid across it. Controlling yourself on this surface won't be easy. You should find a flat area where you'll be stable, then approach it slowly. Sudden acceleration could cause your wheels to dig into the ice and get stuck. Sudden steering could attract more tartan-scaled ferrets, because they also love staring competitions (their spelling isn't too good).
 

With great care and steadiness, you've found a flat piece of ice and are stationary. Drilling time! Lower the fullerite-coated drill bit which, if you've passed kindergarten, you'll have installed on the underside of the vehicle. Switch on its rotary motor and punch down into the ice. You'll feel a great rocking sensation; don't worry, that's just the vibrations. Something bursting into flames is the signal to worry.
 

At the end of this operation you have a cylindrical core, essentially a giant unflavoured Popsicle. Hoist up your drill to raise this ice core into the vehicle's interior. It's surface will be so cold that it seems to suck heat from everything else inside. The huge temperature difference means it'll start to melt very soon. If you don't want meltwater all over your makeshift carpet, put some gloves on and place it in a big ice-cream container. You don't have one? Oh well. Wet floor.
 

To speed up the melting process, make sure your drill bit is fully retracted and then fire up the engine. Whatever fuel it uses, it will produce heat, according to the laws of entropy. Liquid water will be produced. Once you have enough Martian water, your mission will be a success! Congratulations in advance on surviving the complete obliteration of Earth. I hope you enjoy your new life on the Red Planet. 

 

  

INFORMATION

BIRO PRODUCTIONS DEVELOPMENT DIARY

ENTRY TWENTY-THREE: THE TWENTY-THIRD ENTRY

INFORMATION
 

Have you had a situation where you're told something that seems unimportant to everyone else, but turns out to be fundamental to what you're doing? Maybe a teacher shares some factoid with you that later helps you win a debate. Maybe you're told what encopresis is, which spares you looking it up on Google Images.*

This happens quite often when you're a writer. People working on a story, or an article, want new information all the time. One of the easiest ways to get said information is to sit back and listen to others. While this sounds a little like spying, it's effective and simple. Just keep your ears open when you have nothing better to do, listening out for random info. To make this more effective, don't hang around groups of people whose vocabulary consists of only “yolo” and “like, whatever.”

In my search for stuff to cram my novel with, I've been fortunate this year. My primary interest at university is Geology, a diverse subject spanning many areas of study. As I write there's a textbook section on ocean circulation I'm supposed to read. Yesterday the lecturer spoke of the El Niño event, which tends to cause droughts in Australia and too much rain in western South America. He briefly mentioned its status as one of two possible stable states in what's called a non-linear system. The theory is a bit complicated, but non-linear systems can behave unpredictably, which is the focus of my novel.

That's not the clearest example, but here's another. The same lecturer has also given me an idea for one of the experiments my characters run. During this novel, a band of scientists (and journalist Nathan O'Brien) travel across the Atlantic in a boat. Their goal is to make a model of turbulence and use it to predict, among other things, the weather.

Enter the Gulf Stream. A strong current flowing from North America up toward Greenland, the Gulf Stream is an important heat transport system. It's vulnerable to the effects of global warming but, as Mr. Lecturer told me, it's also very turbulent. Another fleeting factoid, but it gave me an idea instantly. What if my characters sailed through the Gulf Stream; could they do experiments on that? So the course of the story (and scientists) is set.

My point here is that information is valuable. They say that one man's trash is another's treasure. In this case it's true. For the majority of people, the fact the Gulf Stream is turbulent is of no relevance. But for a few souls, it's interesting or even important knowledge. Say a friend tells you how many Super Rugby matches Brad Thorn has played (this Saturday will make it 100). Perhaps you don't care about rugby and dismiss this as irrelevant trivia. But your other friend (who was ghosting you for the last two minutes) might pick up on that statement and use it to in a pub quiz later in the day.

Not only for writers, but for people in general, information should be treasured. Thanks to the almighty internet, it can be shared freely nowadays. You can go online any time and learn something. People couldn't do that 100 years ago, but now we have this great gift. All the info of your interest is out there, you just need to find it.

Keep in mind though, much of the internet is made up of wrong stuff, so be careful what you read. This blog is proudly 100% true (even the part about using plotholes as an energy source)!

 

*Don't.

NEWS ETHRA

BIRO PRODUCTIONS DEVELOPMENT DIARY
ENTRY TWENTY-TWO: THE TWENTY-TWOTH ENTRY
NEWS ETHRA

One of our esteemed media contacts has forwarded us this series of news headlines from a pocket universe (or possibly a universe that our one is a pocket of - the bearded ones are going to get back to us on that). This is News Ethra, bringing you the latest news in bite-size chunks!

 

 

 

 

RARS No Longer Threat

The illness known as RARS, or Retha-Afflicting Respiratory Syndrome, has been neutralised by the Ethran Geneticists in Athic Laboratories. They have created a new 'Gene-Alterer' which allows your body to automatically create antibodies against the disease. The Government recommends that all Ethrans get the new Gene-Alterer as soon as possible.

 

Kronospast Attack?

After a huge explosion rocked Poarta, capital city on planet Portalia, rumours are circling that the explosion was in fact an attack by a Kronospast. Although officials in the area are denying these rumours, the fact that miniature but harmless black holes had appeared for several milliseconds after the explosion are hinting that this might have come from a STAB (Space-Time Altering Being), though we cannot tell if the STAB was a Kronospast or not.

Threans Settling Down In New Home

Although things have been rocky for our allies, the Threavok, we've been told that the exiled L, K, Ξ and Ψ class Ksa have finished working on a new city-nest on the frozen planet of Kryada, and are now allowing normal Threans as well as Birthers to join the new city, currently named Thre-Syris, a reference to the city-nest Thre-Sypria, which was destroyed in August 2012.

Are The Tharens Looking For Another War?

Yet again, the Tharens are stirring up trouble with the Rethans, after accusing a Rethan general of attacking and killing a leading Tharen. Their claims, though, were unravelled when the Rethan Oligarchy announced that the accused had never been to a Tharen-controlled planet and could not have killed the Tharen. This is the third such accusation in less than a month!

 

New Species Discovered On Moon Of Thanatia II

Many new species have been found on Thana, the largest moon of Ethran-controlled Thanatia II. Many of these are small, insectoid species, although one of the most impressive species is a race called the Thraki, which are very similar in appearance to the Dragons of storytales. Other discoveries include the appearance of a sub-species of Thanatian, dubbed the Phovo-Thanatian due to their smaller size and, for females, a much larger bust than those of their main-planet cousins.

 

Lord Ksiaski Named Leader Of Trehavok

After a nasty rebellion against their last Leader Lord, the Trehavok have finally voted in someone to replace 'The Tyrant', Lord Tyraic. Lord Ksiaski won the vote with 57%, beating Lord Ska with 35%. The rest of the vote went to many of the other Lords who were running as independents. Lord Ksiaski, previously the Lord of Phoska in northern Treha, will take his position on Aprilia 10^th.

 

Search Called Off For Missing Beings

The search for four missing beings has been called off by Second-In-Command Ksa Emvee, after failing to find any trace of them. They are said to be General Retvik of the 270^th Rethan Legion; Leader of the K Class Ksa, Arkay; a young Trehan prisoner of war, and a fourth being of unknown origins, although it's said that this last being was an Ethravok. The four were last seen on Kolasi, 15 km away from The Southern Portals.

 

ART OF ILLUSION - PART TWO

BIRO PRODUCTIONS DEVELOPMENT DIARY

ENTRY TWENTY-ONE: THE TWENTY-ONETH ENTRY
ART OF ILLUSION – PART TWO


Last April I had a bit too much coffee and decided to write two entries in one month. The subject of the second entry, posted on 18/4/12, was this nifty computer program called Art of Illusion. 'Tis this which I wish to return to now, at the start of April 2013. With the recent change in identity, Biro Productions is also overseeing some changes in the animation and art office. Let's have a look at this program again, to see how we're using it to evolve.

Although we tend to use computers for writing things these days, the humble biro still has its place. A biro, or ball-point pen, can be used in conjunction with a sheet of dead tree matter to produce a literary masterpiece. Even before renaming ourselves as Biro Productions, it was an important symbol. Our main publication has always been called The Leaky Biro. Before I acquired my laptop, I ran many a biro dry in the process of creating my own stories and articles. They were my keys to fame. Isn't it amazing how such a small object can do so much?

Anyway, we're meant to be talking about Art of Illusion. Last year I hadn't tried animating a fluid yet, but when I produced the above picture I had an excuse to try it, with blue ink as the fluid.

Admittedly this isn't the most brilliant rendition of a fluid, but for my purposes it was enough. A real puddle of ink wouldn't have such a sharply defined edge, for instance. Still, it's a start. Fluids are tricky to animate because, especially in a movie, they have to move in three dimensions.

 

 

 

 

 

Wait, movies? Oh yes, one can also produce a movie sequence with AoI! My first attempt at a motion picture is four seconds long. It co-incided with the 540^th birthday of Copernicus (too bad he wasn't around to celebrate it) and shows an Earth-like planet orbiting its sun. Not to scale.
 

While we're considering Earth-like planets, here's a model of the Earth's interior which IS to scale. With the program, it's very easy to construct and texture a few spheres and stick them inside each other. The outermost sphere corresponds to the rigid crust of Earth, a thin rocky unit holding everything we can observe directly. Below that (red) is the mantle, made of rock that's hot enough to flow over millions of years. Then we have the molten outer core and the inner core, a giant ball of metal the size of our Moon. Quite a planet we live on, really.
 

 

 

Earth Divided is currently our only ongoing serial, which I reported on in November 2011. One of its principal characters is a burly soldier called Kopra. In the story he hasn't had a full description, so readers only know him as a tall man with an axe. Therefore, after three years of writing the serial, I was asked to bring Kopra to life in the studio. This was the end result:

Now his character wears armour plating composed of bronze and yellow fullerite, and his axe is a notched, square-bladed design. To do this I used similar tricks as for the Malkawi characters (see Art of Illusion – Part One). Each segment of his body, for example his left hand, is connected with something called a Null object. Nulls are invisible spheres which allow realistic movement about a joint; in this case the wrist. Kopra's body contains 21 Nulls, including four in his feet to let them flex like real feet do. Note that his finger joints don't move, otherwise he'd have 30 Nulls.

Other experiments I've carried out include inventing a cheap Martian vehicle;

 

Designing the M4-DK Jam Launcher, the world's most effective weapon against wasps;

 

And setting the Earth on fire (nothing personal);

 

Now I've got warmed up again with this Art of Illusion stuff, I shall be producing a large variety of images for our various outlets. The samples in this post are mostly tests. If you have any comments or criticisms about the pictures here, please reply or send them to us at dekarnuva@gmail.com. Any feedback is very much appreciated!

Until next month, au revoir from Biro Productions.


Update (6/4/13): Happy 18th birthday to the bossman, Dekarnuva!

ENERGY

BIRO PRODUCTIONS DEVELOPMENT DIARY

ENTRY TWENTY: THE TWENTIETH ENTRY
ENERGY

Here's a statistic I learned last week. The volume of oil used in the world, per year, is about the same as the volume of Wellington harbour. That's a lot of oil. For those of you who don't live in Wellingon, it's a pretty big harbour. Can't say exactly how big because I don't live in Wellington either.
 

Why do us humans use so much oil? Or, for that matter, coal and other fossil fuels? It comes down to this thing called energy. Energy makes things happen; it allows for things to change, like water boiling or a brick falling onto somebody's toe. The amount of energy delivered in a certain length of time is called power, and we've found many ways of generating it. Power can come from coal, oil, wind, hydroelectric dams, natural gas, nuclear reactions and many other sources. At first it appears to be plentiful.
 

However there are now seven billion humans (and counting) on this little planet and they use loads of energy. More and more is needed to run the technologies we rely on, to grow our food and to manufacture stuff. More and more resources are needed to make things we 'need'. For instance, oil in making plastics. In fact some people are now talking about an energy crisis and say that our species must find a new source of power or destroy the planet. Sounds grim, but what can we do?
 

Alternative sources of energy are being examined, like hydrogen fuel cells, with varying rates of success. People want their energy to be renewable, but more efficient than using a wind turbine. 'Renewable' is chucked around a lot but is sometimes misunderstood. Technically, oil is renewable. You just have to be prepared to wait 90 million years for it to replenish.
 

In a past entry of this blog I hinted at the possibility of harvesting plotholes for energy. Research into this has since revealed a dead end; plotholes are among the least energetic objects in the universe. Trying to get power from a plothole would open up a secondary plothole, causing complete collapse of the space-time continuum. Anyway, that's not relevant. So far the chaps and chapettes at Biro Productions have failed to come up with their own solution to the energy problem.
 

Needless to say, anybody who does find a renewable, efficient, clean source of energy will become famous, wealthy and may win multiple Nobel prizes. When radioactivity was discovered the hype was extraordinary. Radioactive compounds were put in all kinds of products and when nuclear reactors were first built, it was thought they'd keep our societies going forever. What happened at Chernobyl showed that nuclear power wasn't necessarily the way to go, and even with it we still have this crisis upon us.
 

Maybe we should just revert back to the 1930s. Without the Great Depression, I mean. Back then life was simple and devoid of computers and iThings. Electrical power wasn't common, but it wasn't needed by most people. That is a life I think we could live comfortably. As long as everybody was careful not to catch diphtheria.
 

If you want to help out, try using a bit less electricity. Don't spend so much time on Facebook. Charge your iPod only when its battery is completely flat. Every little thing makes a difference, as we shall see in the future. Energy and power may soon be too valuable to be wasted.

CHANGE OF SCENE

ENTRY NINETEEN: THE NINETEENTH ENTRY

CHANGE OF SCENE

With the arrival of 2013 and the non-end of the world, it's the time for change. My team is now expanding and reaching out to a wider audience. After three years of being just under the radar, we're almost ready to bring our mission to the streets. Mission to entertain people, that is. Nothing controversial.

 

In other words it's time to get noticed a bit more. The plan is to re-launch our humour magazine, The Leaky Biro, with the intention of selling issues. Its quality and size will have to be better than ever, so we're hiring more writers and a PR person or two. Hence the expansion of the team. 

 

Also, from now on, we'll be operating under a new name. 'Dekarnuva Productions' is admittedly a bit of a mouthful. We're going for a simpler, perhaps more meaningful name: Biro Productions. We have shifted from DP to BP but still have nothing to do with petrol. You may have already noted the change in the title of this blog. Welcome to the Biro Productions Development Diary!

 

There is bound to be plenty of news between now and March, so please stay tuned. Right now I'm looking for one more writer to help us out and some advertising people. But, with a new name, we now need a new mascot. Previously we had the amphibious emoticon called Snorkel Dude as our mascot. By great misfortune he was 'put to sleep' last year. Suggestions for a new mascot (yes, we have thought of a talking ballpoint pen) would be appreciated.

 

In other news, having now finished school I have enough time to fladulate in such a manner as to speed ahead with my novel. The first five chapters have been drafted and re-drafted, giving a solid foundation for the rest of the story. The novel in question in set in New Zealand five years into the future, when everything is operated by voice recognition software, including cars. Nathan "Nitrous" O'Brien is the protagonist, a smart journalist who travels the world meeting pioneers in science. Like much of my writing, the general theme is comedo-sci-fi, or comedy science fiction. I sincerely wish it to be published in the next few years.

 

To follow on from the December entry, I was grateful to not be faced with an apocalypse on the 21st. However there are still some real threats to think about. Here in New Zealand, we have a giant fault line running down the country, which could trigger a sizeable earthquake at any time. Volcanoes around the world continue to erupt, sometimes hurling ash into the sky. The sort of ash that gets blown over to British airfields. While there's little chance of doomsday occurring, we do need to be aware of the potential for a disaster in 2013.

 

With that said, the newly forming team at Biro Productions wish you a happy and productive year! We've got eleven months of it still to get through, try to make the most of them. I now hand over to our traditional source of quotes, Jerry Seinfeld:

 

"You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive." -JS 

Read more athttp://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/jerryseinf451092.html#mLeBxIFI7okgRhcE.99

A BUDDING WRITER

ENTRY EIGHTEEN: THE EIGHTEENTH ENTRY
A BUDDING WRITER


All things have a beginning. Once there was nothing, if the Big Bang theory is correct, but it exploded into everything. Anything that is something was born from nothing at that time.

All people have to start somewhere as well. You are not born with a career in accounting or chainsaw-juggling, you work up to it over the course of your life. You endure a few years of school, get a degree and make some money. Then you retire and watch as younger people go through the same cycle. Modern society is thus a vast cycle of such stories, many being forgotten but some giving rise to Nobel laureates and world-famous performers. There's one story that hasn't been told yet but in this blog there is a place for it. In the next two entries, Dekar nuva will share his own story: how he went from just "That kid" to a keen young writer.


The year was 2007 and I desperately needed something to do. This was the year before I started high school and I'd spent the last few months being picked on by a group of 'classmates'. By acting as a constant pain in the posterior, they managed to discourage me from almost every activity that's considered normal for a young boy to engage in. I won't go into detail, partly because I've written about this before and partly because I don't think the 'classmates' in question deserve space in my development diary. Anyway...

I was looking for a hobby, but one I couldn't embarrass myself in. Team sports usually led to humiliation. Music and stage performance didn't suit either, because I'm rather introverted and had negative confidence in myself at the time. Eventually something occurred to me. There was one activity which I'd been doing since the age of two, without really getting into it. Creative writing.

Through writing (and the almighty internet) I could share my ideas without ridicule. Stories stuck in my head could be put onto paper or onto silicon. By acting under a pseudonym (namely, Dekar nuva) I could have work critiqued by like-minded people who didn't know who I really was. Over time my writing skills could improve so I wouldn't just bore people. However I had to find a website that would allow all this to happen. Just after starting high school, I found it.












Budding Writers is an online interactive forum and a haven for people who fall into the category implied by its name. It's purpose is to be a nursery for young authors, poets, artists, debators and even actors. When I signed up I'd been writing scripted comedy of the "entertaining for about four seconds" kind. The nice chaps already on Budding Writers gave me much advice on how to do it better and then diversify, so I began writing science-fiction and non-fiction as well. I am very grateful to Phovos, who introduced me to the forum and is now doing a great job as my editor.

If I may digress, I know that among the readers of this blog are some very talented young folks who also wish to become writers. For you I'd recommend visiting the BW forum. There are few better ways to get started, and they say that getting started is the hardest part of anything. Go there, read other people's work, get some inspiration, upload your own stories and watch the feedback roll in! All you have to do is register here for free: http://s7.zetaboards.com/buddingwriters/index/


This is Part 1 of a two-part post. Part 2 will be coming later this year.

DOOMSDAY?

ENTRY SEVENTEEN: THE SEVENTEENTH ENTRY
DOOMSDAY?

December. Welcome to the last twelfth of the year, the time when everybody tries to relax and enjoy the sun (or snow in the Northern Hemisphere). I'm writing on a distinctly non-sunny day, with sporadic rain assaulting the windows, having just emerged from a tough exam period. Perhaps not the best start to a New Zealand summer.

This December is probably going to be an interesting one. Various people have foretold of the end of the world on the 21th, which is a Friday. Here's my prediction; that night will see a global party of such scale that the world's alcohol supply is completely exhausted. This would in turn lead to the largest mass hangover of all time. Apart from a few casual world records though, the 21th might well be like any other Friday night.

The droids at DP have spent this year making their own doomsday forecasts. So far they've come up with a bunch of error messages, meaning one of two things. Either the end of the world will occur too far into the future to predict or, just as likely, the droids' batteries need recharging. Our own predictions have been inconclusive.

Let's consider what would happen if the world really did end on December 21. Well, it's obvious. The world would end. Every volcano, fault line, geyser and illegal firework would be set off simultaneously, letting off giant tsunamis and such, wiping out all of civilization in one go. At least that's what the movies would suggest. On the night, just one little volcano might get its timing wrong and spare the lives of a community that could then re-populate the earth. Such a scenario would defeat the point of doomsday, wouldn't it?

Whatever happens, it's been a great year for most of us. We've landed another rover on Mars, for instance. We've made The Hobbit into an excellent film. And somebody finally took away Justin Beiber's record for the most viewed YouTube video.

Before I sign off I'd like to address the question of the existence of Santa Claus. As he is associated with Christmas it seems appropriate to bring this up in the December post. You see, since it got started DP has been divided between those who believe in Santa and those who don't. We have produced at least five articles exploring the possibility of his existence but the staff as a whole can't come to an agreement. They've come up with all kinds of explanations for how he fits down a chimney while carrying a sack with enough presents for six (now seven) billion Earthlings.

Some say that his reindeer are actually disfigured clones of himself, and that he has a crippling phobia of Pacman. All we know is... not much. So this year we've decided to ask you, loyal blog readers, to help uncover the truth! My colleagues and I would like to hear any ingenious, wacky or over-the-top ideas you may have with the aim of capturing Santa on camera and hence proving his existence. Any ideas at all! You may e-mail them to dekarnuva@gmail.com or post a comment just below. Together we shall settle this matter once and for all...Unless you don't see any point in trying because, of course, the world's going to end three days before Santa comes. Dang.


Since it's become something of a tradition to quote Jerry Seinfeld each month, I will not give you an amusing quote from Jerry Seinfeld. Instead this is from his clone, Serry Jeinfeld:

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

THE POWER OF DIALOGUE

ENTRY SIXTEEN: THE SIXTEENTH ENTRY
THE POWER OF DIALOGUE

Language is very useful; I know because I speak two of them. Deep in our past lie its roots, very much entwined in the roots of the great plant that is humanity. Then you have the thistle of arrogance and flatulence coming up next to them. Why did language arise? Why is it so integral to our society? How will languages develop in the future? These are just some of the questions that will not be answered in this post.

Instead I'd like to highlight a place where direct speech is more important than you may realize: in our writing. Specifically in novels. People who write novels must be familiar with speech and how conversations play out, for there is no other way to perfect what they call 'dialogue.' Without dialogue, there would be no conversations in Novelland, so the characters would just shamble about and communicate using gestures. Dialogue is one of the most valuable keys to success and it's often what makes a novel worth reading.

Below are two lines describing the same scene, I'd like to you pick out which has more impact:

As the ball got closer to Giles' head his eyes became wider as he realized what was about to happen.

Giles' eyeballs popped out of his head. "OH MAH GAWD, I'M GONNA GET SCONED IN THE FACE BY THAT BALL!"

I think we'd both agree that it's the second line. That is how we use dialogue in the business, giving the story a bit more punch and the characters a bit more to do. You see, to become a good novellist it is necessary to make the distinction between 'showing' and 'telling.' This is something I am still trying to master, but the principle isn't difficult. Let's say you're back at primary school and you're doing the old Show and Tell presentation. You start by telling the rest of the class what you've brought with you. For instance, "I have in my hands a terrestrial annelid, about 5 centimetres long with indistinct anterior and posterior regions."

The class starts to fall asleep. You know there's only one thing to do to hold their attention, so you open your hands up to show them what it is. "OH MAH GAWD," say they, "it's a worm! Cool!" A smile spreads across your face and the teacher puts a gold sticker on your desk for doing such a great presentation. Then a rugby ball careers through the window and knocks the worm out of sight, for such events are common in a primary school. Yes, good job. It was all down to the 'showing' aspect, you see.

In stories we use dialogue to show the reader what is going on. You can go on for pages and pages just describing a scene, but this gets tedious very quickly. All good novellists have a different strategy. They assume the point of view of one of the characters, they don't tell you anything that character doesn't find immediately relevant, and they get the character to speak. Those inside the story tell you what's happening through their words. Here's an example:

Telling. Giles and Ted and Sarah and Fred were all at the green bus stop. Giles was wearing a green top. Ted was wearing a green top. Sarah was wearing a green top. Fred was wearing a purple top, because he felt like it.

Showing. Giles chuckled and said to his friends, "Check it out, we're all wearing green except for Fred! Odd one out lolz."

We use a conversation, not an essay, to cover the events in a particular scene and to really connect with the reader. A character's speech even tells you about the character itself: where it's from, how well educated it may be, what its values are and so on. This is how you recognize vicars or Australian people from their voice alone.

Dialogue gives us impact, it shows us aspects of the story, it allows the reader to form an empathetic connection with the characters within and understand them better. It provides a way to keep a story moving without lengthy explanations or conjectures. It can make a dull chapter of prose into Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Hopefully you too can see the power of dialogue. I shall finish with this powerful quote from Jerry Seinfeld:

"I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people."

MEMES

ENTRY  FIFTEEN: THE FIFTEENTH ENTRY

MEMES

In 2010 we had ‘the game’ which I’ve just lost. In 2011 the planking virus took hold, when we got our kicks from imitating a piece of wood. Now there’s a longer-lasting craze dominating our Facebook timelines. It came from the relatively old idea of taking a well-known image and pasting some witty text across it. Today this results in what I believe is called a ‘meme.’ As a fellow internet surfer, you’ve probably seen hundreds of these things already. Allow me to show you one more:

Hilarious, I know. Memes have been popping up all over the internet and some teenagers are making a hobby out of creating them. But here’s the thing: if you looked at a meme again a week later, would you still find it funny? Each meme is basically a one-liner put into a well-known context, such as Boromir’s line in the first Lord of the Rings film. Yes, this appears humorous for a bit, but people tend to get sick of them quite quickly. Including me.

In recent years the internet has led to many ‘innovations’ that were funny for about twelve minutes and then died off. To my regret they include lolcanology, which the guys here at Dekarnuva Productions pioneered. Memes seem to be lasting a little bit longer, but I think that’s just because there are so many of them. I’m led to ask a question: can this really be the pinnacle of comedy?

Comedy used to be about cream pies to the face, one-liners that were actually funny, people who explored the amusing and the awkward in life. I would have thought that the internet, a vast hub of ideas, would promote more and even funnier comedy. This ain’t what I’m seeing. Great comedians are actually being lost from society, and I give you Billy T James as an example. Instead the internet has given us planking and a swarm of memes. Dang, I just lost the game again.

Surely the pinnacle of comedy in our age should be people like Rowan Atkinson, Billy Connolly, Danny Bhoy and S.J. Perelman? Why must these legendary figures be forgotten by our younger generation as they giggle at memes on Facebook? If you ask me (which nobody ever does for some reason) we need more men and women like the people I’ve named. People who know what comedy is really about. Otherwise when everybody finally gets bored with memes, what will be there to entertain them?

It’s becoming a tradition to end these blog entries with a short story, but this month I’d like to leave you instead with a thought-inspiring quote:

“I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.”

- Jerry Seinfeld